Expectation, Reality and Agreement: Negotiating Boundaries in Collaborative Music Making

Receiving and setting expectation. We are groomed for it. As children, we learn to please our parents by meeting with their approval. As students we strive to be equal to the goals our professors set before us through the work that we do and the attitudes we carry. As professional teachers and performers we place expectations on ourselves, our colleagues and our students, meeting a demand that ensures both progress and success. There isn’t anything inherently wrong with having expectations or gaining someone’s approval; the problem comes in the approach we use in doing so that limits our flexibility and drastically diminishes our meaningful connection with others. It becomes our default for communication, and that creates a serious problem. Either our expectations don’t meet our reality, which sets us up for disappointment or worse, or we create them without the agreement of the other party involved, not only disregarding the need for their input, but risking a backlash to the disrespect you’ve unconsciously inflicted. Either way, expectations can get you into trouble if you aren’t fully aware of for whom they are placed and the reality in which you both inhabit. Put simply, expectations aren’t realistic or useful when you are dealing with people.

Here’s an example. Many moons ago I was teaching a young violin student who, to put it bluntly, wasn’t progressing. In fact, her routine lack of preparation and refusal to take any summer lessons meant she returned in the fall requiring a review of what she had learned in the spring. As frustrating as it was for me, it was excruciating for her to endure. In all of my hot-headed wisdom at the time, I decided it time I lay down the law: “this week, you will relearn these four pieces using the slow, careful practice we just did in lesson and listen to your recording at least three times daily,” Boom. There it was. Now, was the problem fixed? Did I successfully set her straight by stating my expectations of her? My students returned the next week defiant, proudly exclaiming that she was far too busy to follow my instructions and not only that, I hadn’t written them down so she couldn’t even remember what they were. My expectation that she would meet my demand was not realistic; she hadn’t shown any interest in practice before this. Why did I think that this would be different? And, not only that, she taught me an incredible lesson. People don’t respond in the best way to expectation. Either the response is resentment, resistance, people-pleasing/approval-seeking behavior, or flat-out defiance, as was the case with my student. 

Expectation can have a similar outcome in your own growth. For instance, consider you are preparing for an audition or important recital. You have the goal to play your best, mapped out the strategy to get there in how you practice, and set to work. Then, something shifts your mindset—your colleague won an even bigger audition than the one in which you are preparing. You know you outplay him, so your expectation of what you can achieve toward your event soars. Suddenly, you expect to attain a higher standard than you can really achieve or even worse, you perform well but your expectation exceeds your ability, and it causes you to feel disappointment over the result. Your self-esteem takes the hit for an expectation that never matched the reality of what you could reasonably reach. Whether it’s within you or with someone else, expectation sabotages honest, self-motivated progress by robbing one of agency. The freedom to choose. The power over oneself. 

I recently wrote a post offering a few insights I had acquired (the hard way) through the years as a musician, a teacher and as a colleague. The response was overwhelming. We can all relate to students’ parents, standpartners, conductors and a parade of others with whom we have musically collaborated who have challenged our patience in one way or another. The stories we share fuels our outrage, and it is justified. People can behave poorly. My non-musician husband inhabits a perpetual state of wonderment at the shenanigans I bring to him of my work life. But no amount of self-righteous anger ever changes the reality that you are losing a heap more energy in your reaction than that offending party is by doing their deed. You lose. You lose being "ruded -upon,” and you lose getting worked up over it. If you expect otherwise from your less-than-congenial cohorts, you are in for a rough awakening. 

Here is a suggestion. Take it or leave it. I have spun, twirled and struggled over other people’s insensitivity in my day to know that what I most need in such a predicament is love. Not understanding (though that would be nice.) Not “my way.” Not even being respected. It is compassionate connection I crave, and like a toddler I fuss and lose my temper when it is not available. Is that not what we all want? Is that not what this is really about?

The nature of expectation removes one from connection. It is unrealistic and hierarchical. No one relishes having expectations placed on them. Even if we rise to someone’s expectations of us, we haven’t done so with ease, flow and most of all, joyfully. Bringing yourself to a place of agreement through listening, being heard, and negotiating a reasonable outcome is not only more practical but it is also quite loving. It’s a win-win for everyone. You get your say, have a solution AND tighten a human connection with someone else. 

The next time you have a conflict with someone else, consider the source of your irritation. Aside from the situation itself, what is behind the rift? Why does it trigger you so? What do you really, really want? And, assuming the other guy is after the same thing, why not give it? Connect. Be compassionate. Love.

And, we will save the discussion of “when it’s time to just walk away” to another post.