Ask “why,” not “what”

I just returned from presenting at the wonderful ESTA conference in the Netherlands, and as often happens to me, I have been mulling over the lectures and workshops I attended over the last week. One of these was a presentation given by my dear friend and colleague Eloise Hellyer on the importance of connection in teaching. One point in particular was very familiar to me having heard it repeatedly in my own training as an NLP coach and somatic specialist. This is the concept of asking “why” rather than “what.”

The biggest impact we can have on our being in the world comes from our thinking. NLP uses the study of language to access what mental map upon which an individual may be operating. This can be a belief system, a default perspective or perception of the one’s reality, or a reveal blind spot in someone’s sense of truth. Somatic practices observe and work with this thinking in how it manifests in the body, whether that be a feeling, an emotion, or sensation. In both cases curiosity, awareness and the allowance of the reality to be as it is are crucial to moving past any mental or psychological-emotional block. Put another way, ask “why” or you may get stuck in the “what.”

Here’s an example taken from my own experience. I have a student who, after many years of barely scraping by, has “tried out” another teacher for a semester. I recommended the move and the teacher, thinking the shift in approach would be refreshing and perhaps, intriguing for him. And, it worked. The teacher and student have decided to remain on course for next year which, though I will miss the student, I am happy it was the change that brought him back to the piano. The rub comes from the “what” both the teacher and the parent are in. There’s the personal connection, the “loyalty” element, that has the mom avoiding my emails and teacher ignoring my inquiries. Even with full transparency agreed on at the beginning—if the move is good, then you are free to stay—I am needing to step around the assumption my feelings will be hurt. The “what” doesn’t matter. It is the “why” that is important. Asking “why” pulls you out of your own ego and allows for the right thing to occur. Think of this in other situations we teachers face: policies, payment, disagreements with parents, and you find that most if not all of them happen because both parties are stuck in the “what” of the situation: this person didn’t pay me, I was treated badly, I’m not respected, and so on. Sure, we have our reactions to things, but then, it’s time to move on. Why is this happening? Why do I feel this way? Why would they think this is a good idea? Why not look at it from their perspective?

Another thing worth mentioning in relation to this is the mindset we get into when we are stuck in “what” is being done to us. We feel victimized. Feeling victimized not only renders you helpless to handle the situation or choose your course of action, but it blocks communication. Connection is impossible if you are in a victim mindset. There is no hope for a resolution, understanding, or an agreement. Communication breaks down and so does moving beyond it. 

I thank Eloise for reminding me of this. It is one of those points that appears too simple to even mention, until you begin seeing it at work within your relationships family, friends, and those with whom you work. Asking “why” instead of “what” quickly lifts you out of yourself long enough to see the greater good and the possibilities for everyone. Even if the answer to “why” is not to your liking, it can be good information: you get a good idea of someone else’s thinking and you are in the position to choose if it is worth your energy in which to engage.

Either way, you are in a better place.